I Want Life!

"Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life and there are few who find it." Matthew 7:13-14

I live in a world that lives for the self. The broad path leads to me. It's all about my life, my desires, my dreams, my need to be understood. This is especially true for women. If we are not being catered to, then our men are insensitive or uncaring.

But they have dreams, desires, and feelings too. Why is it that ever since the feminist movement we have decided that women should be elevated above men?

Maybe the narrow path for us, in our culture is saying no. I am not going to put me first. I going to lose my life to gain it. I am going to strike out on the difficult road.

Well what does this practically look like?

It looks like me making dinner even when I don't feel like it. It's me putting the kids to bed, reading them a story, and brushing their teeth so that Mr. Warner can make one more parent phone call- even though I have been up with the girls ALL day and they haven't napped (you know that day.) It means asking him about his day when he walks in the door instead of unloading all of my garbage because he is the first grown-up I have seen all day. It means that my day matters less so his can matter more.

Ready to Work Out

"And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two." Matthew 5:41

I have a huge desire to get in shape and a few weeks ago, I was invited by my god-mother to start walking and training for a possible marathon. It has been a real adventure for me to commit to a better lifestyle because I have a tendency to be lazy. I realize that if invited to walk an extra mile, it would be hard for me. I have not prepared myself physically in order to do that. I know that in the next few months I will be able to do that, but it is going to take work.

Thinking about working out and this verse, made me wonder if I am working out my soul, heart, and mind to be ready for that extra mile. Am I becoming lazy inside as well as outside? Looking back at the last few weeks with Mr. Warner makes me wonder if I look for ways to opt out of helping my husband more. Do I only complete the bare minimum at times to feel like I'm being a good wife as opposed to actually being one?

The other problem that I have is wanting to show off my good deeds. If I do more than is asked of me, or even if I do what is asked of me, I like to be acknowledged. I want to be seen and known for the effort that I am putting in. But my ways are not God's ways. Here is what He wants me to me do:

"But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly." - Matthew 6:3-4

Here is what I need to do:

1. Be content with God seeing the good things I do.

2. Be prepared to go the extra mile.

The prepared part looks like going back to basics. What are the two greatest commandments? Love God and love others. For me to love God means to spend more time with Him in prayer, reading my Bible, and worshiping Him. For me to love others changes daily, but hopefully by loving God first, I will be lead by His Spirit to love others "the extra mile way".

I am ready to work out my heart, soul, mind, and body!

Not a Vain Fellow

²² But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ [vain fellow] shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. Matthew 5:22

This evening I thought my husband was being a "vain fellow" with our two and a half year old. Here's what was going on: Asher (the two year old) wanted some ice cream and Mr. Warner would not give her any until she asked the right way.

All he was doing was taking his time to help her slow down and annunciate her speech, but all I could see was her struggle. Not my husband's persistence and patience, just my baby's frustration at her inability to give her father what he wanted.

So, in the midst of this, I am whispering in his ear, "Your expectations are too high, she's only two, why are you being so hard on her, etc." Ugh! I thought he was full of himself and now I can clearly see that he was being a good dad.

I am so easily blinded, especially when it comes to my daughters. It comes more naturally to be for them, than for my husband. Who is it that I am one with? That I made vows to? It is my husband, not my daughters.

Lord, please help me "to be slow to speak and quick to listen." I want to bring You glory in my marriage, please show me how.

The Right Amount of Salt

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men." - Matthew 5:13

If you did not know, I enjoy cooking, very much. I am not a skilled cook, but I am good cook. One of the things that I am not very good at is salting my food. I usually under salt because I am always afraid of the dish being too salty.

Do you know why we use salt? To bring out the flavors of our food.

When I under-salt, as I usually do, I am not bringing my dish to its fullest potential. I do this in my marriage is well. I do not give my husband the right amount of respect, love, care, kindness, attention, and nurturing that can bring him to his fullest.

I also over-salt him. Have you ever put too much salt in a dish? I find that it is much hard to correct than the former. It's the same in my relationship: I can't undo the hurtful things I have said and my husband is human- it's harder for him to forget the damage I inflicted.

I would like to learn how to salt Mr. Warner in just the right way. I believe that in order to do this, I need to take my time and sample the things I am adding to. I also need to ask him where he feels a lack of flavor. It's my job, as not only a wife, but a fellow believer to bring out of him God's intentions and desires for the man He envisions. Not the man I think he should be.

I need to remember that my husband is the Lord's recipe, not mine.

I Want to Change

I read the first four chapters of Matthew and there was nothing that really struck me, until I started into chapter five. I only read the first 11 verses and I felt cut to the heart.

¹ Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, ² and he began to teach them.
He said:

³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹ “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." Matthew 5: 1-11

How can I begin to practice these things out in the world, if I cannot even practice them with one person? I am not poor in spirit, meek (enduring injury with patience and without resentment), merciful, a peacemaker, or pure in heart.

Tonight Mr. Warner and I were engaged in an argument. I had an opportunity to agree, to seek forgiveness, to admit my failure and instead I sought a place of comfort- defensiveness. The funny thing is that on Friday, at our married couples group we had committed to not being defensive or accusatory with our spouse. And there I was, knowing I was in sin and shame, and rather than be in it, to mourn it, I chose more shame in fighting.

I don't know about you, where you are in marriage or your relationship with Jesus, but I am ready for a change. I desire to embody the beatitudes in my marriage and interaction with the world.

Jesus please help me to change, to cut off these dead branches in my life.

The Lens of Wifehood

I have been thinking a lot about what it looks like to a bride. There are a lot of things that are bouncing around in my head, but I believe that I really need to go back to the basics. I want to go through the New Testament and read it through the lens of wifehood. We will be starting with Matthew tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Representing

Yesterday at Elements (my mom bible study) a woman named Esther Ntoto spoke. What she had to say truly stirred my heart. She spoke about the work she and her and husband are doing in the Congo, which is truly incredible. If you have time, please visit their website: http://www.loafrica.org *Be sure to click on the About Congo section to understand the desperation of this country.

Here's what she said that impacted me, she said she was an ambassador for Christ. I know that is something we all hear as Christians, all the time... but the way she presented it made me get it. She started by reading this:

"Therefore, from now on, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new. Now all things are of God who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them and has committed to us the word of reconciliation.

"Now then, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ's behalf, be reconciled to God." 2 Corinthians 5:16-20

Ambassadors represent their nation within another nation. They are protected by their country and given the responsibility to represent their country. Esther used this verse to validate how she serve in the Congo (where rape is actually used as military tool), she can do it because she is an ambassador for Christ and He has her back. Here's what really got me- she said that if you know your call, you can do anything because you know God has you!

I know my call- Jesus wants me to be His bride and to shine at it. I feel more passion and excitement because I know that I am representing The Kingdom and My King's values in this call. I am ready to do this, understanding that He has my back.

I Need a Leader

The day after our anniversary Mr. Warner lead us on a prayer walk in the Back Bay.

It was a beautiful crisp Wednesday morning. Due to the rain a couple days prior, everything was vibrant shining in all of its glory. I felt so small being in such a sweeping place of beauty.

As my husband began to lead me to "our trail" I began to get anxious because it was not the way we would usually go. I started off our walk mistrusting him. Does that sound familiar to you? Has Jesus started you out on a well-acquainted path, but then He veers in a new direction? Do you trust that He knows what He is doing? Honestly, I struggle with that, not only with my husband, but also with my Savior.

After a few minutes of following him, despite my reservations, I saw where we were going. And guess what? It was a safer and more stable path. My heart began to soften at once, I could feel myself giving into his leadership and what he had for us... which was an Adventure.

So, as I told you, it had rained a few days prior and we expected some mud, but we did not anticipate a marsh, which is exactly what we found. The only way for us to make it through, was to keep moving forward, and for someone to clear a path. Mr. Warner, surely did his duty and cleared a path. He protected me from cactus, sludge, thorns, and unstable trails. Without him going before me, I would have been lost and unprotected.

I can look at my relationship with Christ through a similar lens. If He had not loved and sacrificed first I would not be able to follow His lead, to find shelter in His worn tracks. I am discovering how desperately I need leadership in my life. I love that my seventh year of marriage began with my reliance on my Honey. What a great reminder for how to follow and trust in him, and in Christ.

I love my hard working husband.

Last Tuesday, Mr. Warner and I celebrated our sixth anniversary. It was a great night. He took me out to the Yard House, where we took turns asking each other first date questions, which he printed out for us.

Dinner was followed by a bonfire at Balboa Pier. We prayed for one another, and asked that the Lord be the center of our marriage always. It was a great way to start the new year, together and in unity.

We spent the evening sleeping in our driveway, in the bed of his truck, whispering about the day we eloped... discussing our fears and excitements. It seems that as more time goes by, the better we can see who we were that day. I think this is one of my favorite anniversary traditions.

I have more to share about our adventure, but it has to wait until tomorrow. I am so wiped!

Some days I need to remind myself that I am flesh of Wesley's flesh. This is not one of the days.

We have hardly seen or spoken to one another today, but I know that I am his wife and he loves me. I am his. I like that.

It's the same with Christ, we are His. We are flesh of His flesh. We belong to Him.

How beautiful is that.

"'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church."

Ephesians 5:31-32

These verses are plucking at the strings of my heart. There is something about my marriage that shows my brothers and sisters how to be in relationship with Christ, not only as an individual, but as a member of the Body.

I am beginning to feel a burden to be a good wife. Being a bride to Wesley not only draws my husband closer to Christ, but those around me to Him as well.

This is my life as a bride. This is me figuring out what it looks like.